Married, Alone & The Opposite Sex

Posted by Scott Williams
36 Comments
February 3, 2009
Got Questions | Hmmmmm | Life Application | Marriage | Questions

opposite-sexToday’s question does not only apply to pastors or church staff; but rather to anyone who is married or single… in other-words everyone can chime in. 

Should a married person be alone with someone of the opposite sex?  Should they travel, have lunch, 1:1 meetings, ride in the car…

At LifeChurch.tv we have a policy that a married person is not allowed to be alone, ride in the car with, go on a business trip with or have a secluded meeting alone with someone of the opposite sex.  If other people are in the area, you are OK… but not alone.  So here is the question one more time; everyone has an opinion, should churches or businesses have policies like this… join the discussion:

Should a married person be alone with someone of the opposite sex?  Should they travel, have lunch, 1:1 meetings, ride in the car…

  • http://patricksievert.wordpress.com Patrick Sievert

    Is there anything “wrong” with it? No.

    Is it a very wise thing to do? No.

  • http://www.alonsomontenegro.com Alonso

    NO, yo pienso que no esta bien, tal vez no haga nada malo, pero es mi testimonio, y el de mi esposa, por amor a ella. Otros no entenderían, y sobre todas las cosas el nombre de Cristo, ya que nosotros representamos a Cristo.

  • http://www.openapologies.org aaron

    avoid and purpose all thoughts and actions against it.
    however I’ve also taken it to the extreme and treated friends of my wife like poison because I felt even having a conversation with them is evil.

  • http://www.sosgospel.com Leonardo

    I realy do not know!

    But i will Quote Jesus:

    “Jesus saith unto her, Woman, believe me, the hour cometh, when ye shall neither in this mountain, nor yet at Jerusalem, worship the Father.”

    “And upon this came his disciples, and marvelled that he talked with the woman: yet no man said, What seekest thou? or, Why talkest thou with her?”

    Read: Jonh 4

    What do you think about it Scott.

  • http://cyndiakadisneyqueen.blogspot.com/ Cyndi

    Have to say No. Did it once and even though my husband knew about it (and the the other person’s spouse knew), in the end I just didn’t feel comfortable. Should I have felt that way, probably not. It was very innocent and at the time I agreed to it, I didn’t think anything was wrong. But because I didn’t feel right about it later I knew in my gut it was something I should stay away from in the future. We were actually doing minitry , but in the back of my head I kept thinking what would our church members think. How could this effect my husbands ministry. As much as I want to not care what others think, it does matter. Especially if it were to put my husbands position in jeopardy.

  • http://davidnokc.blogspot.com/ David C

    Good question Scott.
    Meeting one on one with people of the opposite sex, traveling and lunches for the most part are unavoidable. Heck, my boss is a woman and 8 of the 9 people that report to me are women and I respect each of them tremendously. I make it a point to only hang out with the ugly ones (Just Kidding!) To be serious, I have over the years unfortunately seen people at work start emotional affairs that overtime grew to more and then destroyed marriages and families. I am sure most of these began innocently enough with a lunch and some conversation about life outside of work.

    My policy over the years has always been to avoid personal connections with those ladies that I may have even a slight attraction. This does not mean that I avoid them or do not have women “work friends”. It mostly means that I keep this top of mind look for any danger signals that may occur. My wife and I trust each other completly but temptation is just too sneeky and the devil too crafty.

    I also never EVER speak poorly of my wife to others. I feel strongly that your spouse should be praised in public and any criticism should be shared only with mentors of the same sex and only when seeking advice to grow or correct.

    Thanks for the good question and I look forward to hearing what others think.

  • http://thewardrobeandthewhitetree.com Carole Turner

    no.

  • Mike

    NO! NO! NO! Guard your spouse’s heart! Don’t give him/her a reason to doubt your commitment.

    God doesn’t trust us in situations like this. That’s why He commands us to steer clear of them! So, why try to trust yourself?

  • http://www.TheOldBlackChurch.blogspot.com Ann Brock

    Scott great question, and it’s nothing wrong with it but I don’t think it’s a good idea.

  • http://www.jonathancliff.com jonathan

    Wouldn’t be prudent.

    But would it totally throw it over the top if you had lunch with someone of the opposite sex..and…had a glass of wine?

  • dennybill

    In today’s society, you can’t even afford an accusation – especially church leaders.

  • http://www.annameadows.com Anna Meadows

    I think it is a good policy. It is all about being above reproach… I think some people can take it too far though… and become legalistic with it. I hate it when things become legalistic…

  • uthmama

    never, ever should a married person be alone with anyone of the opposite sex. I’ve been in ministry for 15 years, and my husand and I made this rule years ago. It will prevent any questions, doubts and will definately prevent any gossip. We should never give the perception that something could be going on.

  • http://djchuang.com djchuang

    While not all men and women can do this, there are ways to cultivate healthy cross-gender friendships with the opposite sex, and that includes being alone together, whether married or unmarried. By no means am I suggesting that anyone should act against established policies.

    The Faith Dance blog http://danbrennan.typepad.com/ by Dan Brennan gives the most thorough study of how to develop Christian community that fully-embraces all, male & female, as God has created. This post http://danbrennan.typepad.com/my_weblog/2007/02/a_story_of_chri.html describes Dan’s friendship with Jennifer.

  • http://caffeinatedmusings.wordpress.com Hope

    NO! It is completely unwise! I am not married yet, but I guard the marriages of my friends by avoiding this purposefully. No one sets out to be unfaithful (well, not usually!), but it happens because people compromise little by little.

  • http://nicoleknox.blogspot.com Nicole Knox

    Scott you are on a role this week!

    If Tim is going to have lunch with a girl he will have another guy go with him or me=)

    So I say No=)

  • http://whosreadsthisstuff.blogspot.com/ K Ford

    I think its perfectly ok! As long as its with a relative… And you’re not in Arkansas…

  • CRGlen

    going places and doing things 1:1 should be avoided. i do however think there are exceptions to most all rules. i have had meetings scheduled with someone and had the third party cancel at the last minute. so am i to ignore the hurting person that desires godly counsel, or just put her off until another time. my answer is i have done both.
    it is best to attempt at all cost to try to stay above reproach, but it is not always feasible or practical when meetings, encouragement or corrections are needed immediately.
    if you have to meet 1:1 i also think you should be careful where and how you meet. including the proximity to the other person and the dialogue.

    “if it’s not flexible it will break”

  • Scott Williams

    I’ve personally come to appreciate the policy and heart behind it… after being on staff for three years; however I did not give it as much thought while being employed in the secular world. I also appreciate the opinions of those whose job requires them to have alone moments.

    Be Wise, Use Discernment, Be Faithful…

  • kevtherev

    It really depends on who the girl is. I don’t mind meeting someone of the opposite sex to talk somewhere in public. They drive and I drive seperately. Now to throw out a question how many of us pastors are alone with our secretaries day in and day out through the week.

  • ddano

    No, unless we are talking immediate family. Beyond that you are asking for trouble.

  • http://gbrenna.com Graham

    Wow… I didn’t expect this kind of debate coming from LifeChurch.tv! You seem so cutting edge! This topic is pretty old school… I am single and have had times where I’ve been alone with a friend of the opposite sex who is married. Not once have I thought that I might have a relationship beyond friendship with them. It’s perfectly okay! I’m friends with some girls who are dating other guys or married to other guys. In some cases I’m friends with their husbands or boyfriends too… but in others… not so much. We can have a friendship. I think this question is totally ridiculous… clearly you need to not cross “the line” in situations like this but to avoid them altogether is just plain unrealistic.

    To those who are concerned about giving their husbands or wives something to worry about… I say that your relationship with your partner should be strong enough where you trust the other person. If you can’t trust them… then you need to work on your relationship. But to simply avoid reality is a very slippery slope. You can’t bury your head in the sand and expect everything to just be okay!

    Let’s be a little more contemporary in our thinking! Wow…

  • http://www.publishinganswers.com Cheryl Pickett

    I understand where the policy comes from if it is at a church/school etc. It is so easy now for people to be accused of inappropriate behavior (true or not) so doing as much as possible to prevent such situations is probably best.

    That said, most of my working life I’ve worked for small biz owners, both men. First, I worked for years as a CSR office manager for an insurance agent. Part of the time I was the only employee so obviously we were the only ones in the office at times. Most recently, I assisted an artist on occasion, again we were the only ones in his workshop (he’s also the husband of a close friend). I also know others who are secretaries, assistants etc. for small offices and the same applies, sometimes they are going to be alone together.

    Could something happen in situation like this? It totally depends on the people in my opinion. Obviously, not every man is attracted to every woman & vice versa. If that were the case, we couldn’t go out in public and deal with the opposite sex at all for fear of what might happen between any two people.

    Within the work situations I mentioned though, if things change/tensions build on either side, at least one or both then have a decision to make as to how to proceed. Even then, the answer might not be as easy as “well just quit” Not everyone has that luxury especially now.

    As you can see, I don’t think it’s as simple as just say no.

    Cheryl P

  • amooyoung

    Great blog! However, I agree with David C.

    It’s almost impossible to abide by this rule in the workplace. I do agree that two people of the opposite sex (at work), really don’t HAVE to go out to lunch together.

    When you’re married, you shouldn’t spend time alone with someone of the opposite sex and then PRAY TO GOD that nothing happens. Because the Devil is sneaky and temptation is real!

  • http://lighthousemarketingbook.com/freeonlineleadsystem Ben Wardlaw

    We are entering a very crucial period in the history of the world. The stress on our marital relationships is going to be tremendous.

    Is placing a flame near a flammable liquid a good idea?

    Our marriages don’t need any additional stumbling blocks.

    Ben Wardlaw
    Hilton Head Island, SC USA
    Psalm 150:6

  • http://preacherpen.wordpress.com preacherpen

    Like others have said, I don’t think it’s wise in some circumstances. If I have to council with a female, my wife usually sits with me. There have been no problems by taking this approach, as it is explained beforehand. We should show wisdom in what we do. I’ve also had to be alone with some women before, but the room doors were open, and there was no way for anyone to misconstrue our situation.

    Another good question, Pastor Scott.

  • http://www.drmcginnis.wordpress.com Jeremy McGinnis

    This is a great question and needs serious attention with the plague attacking the faith lately. Ministers and laity alike are falling prey to personal desires. Joseph fled, Paul exhorted to flee not resist youthful lusts. Wisdom and planning protect one from life destroying situations.

  • http://elevenelevenoclock.blogspot.com/ seanmurphy07

    My wife and I decided that although we trust each other…we care about appearances and would never want to be put into a situation where there could ever be even the appearance of inappropriate behavior (or allowed the circumstances where there could be temptation or have temptation pushed at them). We are the kind of people who wouldn’t cheat but also the kind of people who wouldn’t put ourselves in a circumstance where it could even appear that we had.

  • jalex

    I believe we can choose our direction and path, but not always our steps. (prov 16:9) I agree with Jeremy, that you have a better chance if you flee than resist. I avoid all situations when I would be alone with someone of the opposite gender.

  • http://steveorris.com Steve Orris

    I had an opportunity to “help” a friend. I choose not to. Let me explain. This friend has three girls. He and his wife both drove to church in separate cars. They both left to go home thinking one girl was with the other parent. One of the girls was left behind. I was one of the last people out of the building and I happened to see this girl looking around worried. I let her use my cell phone to call home. I stayed with her in plain sight outside until her mom came to pick her up. I could have taken her home. It would not have been a problem, right? Just me and an unrelated 14 year old girl alone in my car for 15 minutes. I’m trust worthy. But that doesn’t matter. If that girl had even hinted that I had done something improper I could have been thrown in jail. That is a risk I am not willing to take for anyone. My reputation is more valuable to me than almost anything. There are some lines that should not be crossed. Others may ignore those lines but not me. I stay as far away from them as possible.

  • bigeyezdem

    I would have to say that I do not agree with being alone with the opposite sex. Although your intentions may be innocent the other person may have something Totally different in mind. Besides, why would you jeopardize hurting your spouse or losing them due to someone else’s wrongful intentions. Im in the situation now. My husband feels that it is ok to go out and meet the opposite sex and get a number. I was so hurt and shocked! the young lady even called my husbands phone after 11pm! and he didnt even tell her not to call so late. I had never even knew nothing of her. he just told her, “my wife and I had an argument so ima call you back” i was speechless! one, why would he tell her what was going on in our house? who was this person that you needed to disclose that information to?

  • Cathain

    Even a marriage counselor will advise that married people should avoid making close friendships, going to lunch alone with, or being alone with a co-worker of the opposite sex. Something that can be intended as completely innocent can turn into something else. If one isn’t thinking something, most of the time the other person is.

    There is no reason to confide in anyone but your spouse, in my opinion. Work is for work. Be friendly, polite, cordial, but a one on one lunch date — absolutely not.

    I know I would not be comfortable with that. I would not participate in that sort of activity, and I would not appreciate my spouse doing it, either.

  • http://douloskev.blogspot.com douloskev

    I just have a question.

    What do you guys think about two good friends (a girl and a boy) going out to one of their friend’s places and driving together to save gas?

    Would that be ok?

  • http://savemymarriagetodayreview.net Sean @ Save my marriage today

    I can’t really see there being a problem with it to be very honest. I think it is perfectly fine as long as there is nothing silly going on!

  • jimmy paravane

    No because it makes you uncomfortable and challenges your ability to fall back on the grace of God. And besides, somebody might see and make assumptions.
    Yes not because with God all things are possible but because if you follow ALL the required Christian PC Doctrine of the appropriate gender dance and justification, yer cool. I’m sure there’s a .pdf manual for that online somewhere.
    Favorite comment quote: “God doesn’t trust us in situations like this.”
    Second favorite: “I think its perfectly ok! As long as its with a relative… And you’re not in Arkansas…”

  • Dan Brennan

    My upcoming book, “Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions: Engaging the Mystery of Friendship Between the Sexes,” deals with the fears of sexuality, including the fears of being alone with the members of the opposite sex.

    Obviously, not everyone can or should do this. But I believe Christian leadership in the twenty-first century should rethink policies that were meaningful in the 1950′s.

    I’ve been married for twenty eight years. I have several close friendships with women (single & married) and we have enjoyed being alone together with my wife’s full blessing.

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